....So Far My Story

Sorry for delay guys. I knew nobody visits and read my blogs so I am addressing this to whoever will read it. For past few weeks I was restless and confused with the game of my own mind and heart. I was trying to balance between personal and professional life. I am not here to write about my professional life because this blog belongs only to me and myself. But friends promise me you won’t tell about my this side to anyone which I am going to share with you further.

Today, I would like to share something which I never did before. The emotions somewhere in my heart are still unfolded and untouched by anybody. Yes, you are right. It’s about the Love. Even I failed to stay away from the true gift of the Nature to the Mankind, “LOVE”.

6th March, 1985 that was the first day of the boy in this world. That boy was me, Akash. I was born in as usual circumstances like others. My relatives and other visitors used to tell that I have my mother’s eyes and face. I was fair, fat enough with circled face. By days, weeks, months and years passed as I grown up and began to identify signals, signs, voices, little bit language (words). Then my family started calling me by the word which I have never thought would get attached to my life which I won’t be able to get rid of with. “Nepali Boy !” This is what my family and other visitors used to call me. My eyes were short, my nose was ok but I don’t know what made them to call me with that.

Mom admitted me in a school located at Nana Chowk, near Kennedy Bridge, which I think Late John F. Kennedy never visited. A group of Sindhis made a foundation of this School which is known as Sind Model English Primary. I was not supposed to have coincidently any Nepali friend. After a couple of years passed from Jr. Kindergarten and Sr. Kindergarten, came a year of my 1st Standard. The class was taught by Kalpana Miss who was very kind hearted and ruthless as well if no child does his/her home work. I began to make friends, guess what? There were few Nepalese too, namely; Mahesh, Tamang, Sunil Sherpa (he came in 3rd std.) and Jagat. In our class, there was a small cute looking girl, who always kept crying, don’t know for what reason, she was SNEHA. I still dream about her. Whenever she began to cry a girl next to her used to make her quiet. I will not tell her name. If I tell you her name then it will expose my personal interest of crush in her since, as a future partner, which I don’t want to reveal. The day came when nobody did their homework in class. I mean few did and few didn’t which included me too.

Kalpana Miss with her warm still and twisted smile made us to stand on our bench. One by one she made our legs as red as rose. Rose because it been lucky for me. That girl talked to me first time in whole academic year. I was crying like other losers in class. She came close to me with her two tie ribbon hair, smiled like an angel and tried to get me calm. She offered water from her bottle which I think wasn’t belonging to her.

Years passed by and class kept on changing for every year. All friends were categorized and separated in different divisions each year. Only one friend stayed with me till the end of School Days. Yes, the friend was that girl whom I admired a lot. During our 8^thstd that girl came to know about my feelings for her through some common friends. Suddenly, she stopped talking to me. I think I was not her good friend. She never gave me any reason for her dominating behavior. I was quiet shy at that age so never dare to ask her. She always had her friends group around whom I used to consider as her Security League. They never let me close to her to talk and not even let me see her during lectures. Whoever find out that I am watching her they could cover her face, head and hands through their own body. To hell with Bloody Gals Power!!

One day her friends informed this to our class teacher. My class teacher was very humble and full of energy who always tried to pursue hidden talent within us. She was cool minded teacher. Her name was Ms. Raval. She took my condition very much positively. She explained to whole class that this is a general tendency of our mind when we spend so many years with opposite sexes. It is natural for one to get attract with their friends during that age. I was not old enough to understand her theses. Then also for me she was the angel who managed to make my day from being my worst nightmare.

During our 10^thStd, I was restless with the thought of getting separate with that girl whose name was LOVE, after SSC Exam. One of my friend who later became one of my good friend had had suggested me to propose her. At the end of that academic year I finally managed to gather the confidence and went to talk to her. I did the same what my friend has suggested me. She didn’t show me any negative behavior and with very much calmly asked me to be her friend, only friend. I was speechless for few moments. Then I smiled and agreed to be her only friend nothing more than that.

I made my mind that I will never think about her from that moment. Since, we got admitted into different colleges our ways got different. She got more friends in her college. Even I found more beautiful blonde girls in college. Let’s say, better than her, beautiful than her and attractive than her. Priti was the first girl in college on whom I had crushed. She was from Marathi division. Within few weeks I managed to propose her. She rejected me with the excuse that she wana concentrate on her career first. I agreed on her decision and I respected her seriousness with her future. I dropped the idea and again I felt light and merry that after the school girl I really got attracted to another girl and I proposed and then for her sake future I was taken back. Then few more months passed and I came to know that Priti got a Boyfriend from her own division. Whenever she used to pass by myself and my only friend from school who became my close friend who accompanied me till now, used to smile and laugh at her. I don’t know whether he had observed but i noticed, whenever I used look at Priti she always made sad face seems she felt guilt on something. She might thought that i felt cheated. It wasn't like that. I was never serious about her.

As the time got passed I realized that I can’t stick on one girl. The excitement was some girls got good face, some got long and beautiful hair, some got hot figure, some got cute smile, some got deep blue eyes, some got long legs, etc. I began to learn that one cannot get satisfy by one girl, at least not me.

Then there gone a huge list of girls followed on whom I really had crushed. The purpose of using word REALLY is that If anybody had accepted me as their boyfriend I would have got married with that girl. Even I didn't let our Student General Secretary, Miss Jaya. What a girl she was! A perfect figured girl I have never seen at that time. But she was much older than me. So I dropped the plan.

The girl whose name is LOVE was just making new friends at her new college. We never had any reason from then to meet and talk to each other. But I kept meeting her again and again through my only very good friend later.

Things had never been same in my life. She knew what crisis I been through. I lost the very precious gift of my life. I don’t want to discuss about that. Then, by destiny we kept on meeting again and again after many years. I found out that my feelings for her had not got changed. In fact, I was trying to find her in every girls and nobody deserved her place. So, I never had long and good relationship with any girl. Oh Gosh!! Why did I wasted all these years finding her love in other girls? Why didn’t I spend all the happiest moments with her?

She meets me, she talk to me. I enjoy being with her again. But nowadays, she is suffering through some pain which she doesn’t want to be unfold to me or anybody. That day she cried before me. I felt to hold her, to give my shoulder’s support but I was bound with my borders. I can’t touch her without her permission so I kept myself little away from her and offer a tissue paper. It also hurts me when she feels any pain. My concept of being with her is to make her forget the whole world and to treat her like a Princess. I never asked her in these years what she been through. I never asked what sorrow she is suffering with. The fact is I don’t want to know. I really want to make her happy and keep smiling forever. She doesn’t know what her smiles make me feel. I feel alive. The one thing in the world which generates energy within me is her smile. It’s a living source of life for me.

When I meet her I really felt to love her. She can never understand what I wish to give her. She is not aware of my feelings. This girl whose name is LOVE is just a perfect girl for me. She thinks she had changed a lot. For me she is the same girl who had offered a bottle of water to me in my 1^st Std. This girl whose name is LOVE, she is just a simple, dainty girl with lovely eyes. She is lost, lost in time and space, lost in my thoughts as sugar in milk. Her face got a fairy likeness. Her temper reminds me the picture of mother Mary. When she laughs it seems the petals are falling. When she walks in her thought lonely there one can hear a melody of life. She is just a little girl who is still waiting at the side of a corner in hope her Prince Charm would come someday and take her to the Castle in Paradise and where she would forget all her sorrow and pain, and live happily ever after!!

She had been with me spiritually for every moments of my life since I saw her. It seems she had lost from many births ago, though sometimes it seems as affair of yesterday and sometimes seems an affair of today or it seems as a moment affair. She was just standing by my side and now she has vanished. I don’t know what trick what chase is this. My senses are mystified and they are searching for that girl whose name is LOVE. Plenty of time I call out for her in my name. If she ever reads or hears this, if she be alive or dying just for one time please come and meet me once do not sully my devotion.